Impostor Syndrome

Dramatic photo of a man in a mask looking a little put-out
Impostor syndrome has held me back so much more than I have admitted.

For the last five years, I've had an idea percolating in my brain. It's had about six different false starts, followed by very real stalls and failures. That idea is About Write--a YouTube show teaching creative writing through a slightly academic lens.

After graduating, I wanted to continue my education on my own, but all I could find were how-to books and expensive webinars. I didn't want to get further into debt to learn craft--I just wanted to keep practicing! So I thought that to spare others the price tag, maybe I could make my own free web series on the topic. I made a list of episodes, and wrote out scripts. I referenced some of the texts from my degree and even bought a DSLR camera!

But what happened? A rotten question crept into my head: why would anyone listen to me? Sure, I had the education, but so what? I wasn't an "expert." I wasn't even published! I was an impostor. So About Write lingered in my own personal version of production hell while other, more stalwart writers went out to create their projects to fill the same void. And many of them weren't any more "successful" as authors as I was when I had the idea!

Since winning the Writers of the Future (yeah, it's still on my mind), my confidence has been recharged. That's why I have a description page for About Write and I'm revisiting those old scripts. It's why I have a URL, business cards, and a stricter writing schedule.

Not that it's all sunshine and roses. Even my pending publication hasn't helped as much as I thought it would. The same impostor syndrome that stopped me from making About Write is still slipping corrupt thoughts into my head: I only placed third; it's not coming out until 2019 so doesn’t count yet; the ending was rushed.. The list of excuses to shrivel back into the shadows goes on and on.

And really, maybe I like it there. It's been comfortable fantasizing without having to do the work, always thinking I'll be ready next year--or the following year. It's fun to write and not feel the sting of rejection. But really, impostor syndrome is just another form of self-rejection. Convincing myself I don't "deserve" it is just easier than trying to find out for sure. And I want to know.

The destruction of confidence can cost us time and energy, and convince us that we are never ready. But time is finite, and every second that passes is a second wasted if it's given over to strange ideas about who "deserves" to work on what. I deserve to write--and so do you. And everyone deserves the confidence to try new things, even if they might fail.

Facing rejection and failure is just part of the game. Perhaps a true impostor is someone who doesn’t even try to play. Me? I'm off the bench.

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